Wednesday, September 3, 2014

MORE GUESSES ON WHAT THE 'FAMOUS LAST WORDS' OF AMERICAN COMEDIAN JOAN RIVERS COULD HAVE BEEN


The following are additional guesses about what the "Famous Last Words" from American comedian Joan Rivers either could have been or might have been or might someday be:

---"I can't decide whether I want to be buried in New York or Los Angeles. It's a toss-up for me. I'm inclined to favor New York, since from my casket I could get more opportunities to savor the aroma of fresh bagels being baked nearby. New York is famous for its bagel-bakery aromas. LA, it's more likely to be tortilla-factory aromas. And I can barely speak a word of Spanish, though I of course know the word 'ch-nga' (obscenity, with the letter 'i' situated between the letter 'h' and the letter 'n') all too well. From a posthumous standpoint, I can't say that I would thrill to the aroma of tortillas being baked. I'm a Jewish 'gringa', you might say."

----"At least I died filthy rich. I can almost see that on my epitaph: 'Joan Rivers died filthy rich!' If you're Jewish, that is one of the finest honors you can possibly achieve in life. 'It sure beats dying filthy poor', as my dear mother used to say."

---"I think I'd be happier being buried in New York, since as a stiff I would definitely enjoy the dramatic variety of seasons that New Yorkers get. In LA, the weather doesn't change all that much, so it could get rather monotonous and boring down there in my casket if I pick a cemetery in southern California. Being buried in LA would be Dullsville, from that standpoint."

---"I wish I could listen again to the uproarious laughter I got from the joke of mine I told one night that inspired the longest continuous and uninterrupted laughter from my audience. That was definitely a peak experience for me. In fact, I asked my agent to get an exact count on how many total consecutive seconds that sustained laughter from my audience lasted. He said it lasted for 200 straight seconds. I then asked my agent to put me in the 'Guinness Book of World Records' for inspiring the longest prolonged laughter by an audience in the entire history of stand-up comedy performances. I wish I had the current edition of that reference book, to find out if I actually made it in there for that great accomplishment of mine."

----"A lot of people called me 'The Smart Blonde', and I think they were very insightful to call me that. I certainly was never a Dumb Blonde type. So maybe someday there will be a new book published that features the Smart Blondes of American History, and maybe I will get profiled in that book. It will make a nice posthumous honor for me that my grandchildren can take pride in."

----"So what is going to happen to all of my great fashionwear? I have told my attorney that I don't want ANY of the wrong persons getting ANY of my finest clothes or jewelry!"

-----"Many people asked me why I didn't do more to serve as a Goodwill Ambassador between the Soviet Union and the United States, since I have Russian ancestry. I think the Kremlin sensed that if I were to visit the Soviet Union and publicly state my actual views on Russia of today, that could trigger a nuclear war between Russia and the United States. So this is probably why I was never asked to model a mink coat at Minsk."

----"Everyone says I'm a snob, and they are probably right. I've even been kicked out of restaurants here in New York because the manager said I was too arrogant and blunt and I demanded too much from my waiter. My reply is that if asking for polite and honest and friendly service is demanding too much, then I plead guilty. But I will NOT tolerate waiters who come up to me at my table and tell me with a sneer on their face that they are very sure it's my fault my dear husband Edgar committed suicide. How dare they make a comment like that at a time when I'm trying to decide which entree to order from the menu!"

----"I still don't feel it was fair when the New York Post dubbed me the 'Queen of Mean'. Have you met some of the other female celebrities of New York or LA? Compared to so many of those other ladies, and I hate to mention any names at this point because I don't want to sound petty on my deathbed, I feel very sure that I would rank among the nicer ones. My daughter says she is very sure I am right on that!"

-----"If I am the 'Queen of Mean', as the New York Post has claimed, does that give them the right to publish an editorial declaring that the 'Wicked Witch Joan Rivers has Finally Flown Away from Here Forever On Her Broomstick'? I was outraged when I learned from my hospital bed that the Post was planning to publish an editorial making that type of outrageous statement about me!"

-----"I don't get embarrassed easily. But I do embarrass others a lot. That was something I enjoyed about doing stand-up comedy. I would look out there and see all those men and women blushing beet red from what I had just said! That is a great feeling, to sense that I had a big emotional impact on them---but yes, it probably does identify me as a sadistic type, if you want to get Freudian about it. I love watching people squirm in their seats when they think I had spied on them earlier that week in order to air their own dirty laundry in public! My jokes hit so close to home that half of the audience come up to me afterward and ask me if I had hired a private detective to help me expose their own scandalous lifestyle practices!"

----"Phyllis Diller had her nightmare hair and wardrobe. I had my nightmare plastic surgery face. It gave each of us something to talk about. Otherwise, I'm sure that each of us would have run out of material when we did our stand-up comedy routines."

----"It's very ironic that I'm not well dressed on my deathbed. Fashion is my forte. But my doctor here gave me orders about how I should be dressed inside this hospital. What the doctor ordered for my garment here would have gotten a big thumbs down on the TV fashion show I'm hosting. But I've never heard of a hospital that lets you wear fashionable clothing as you lie on your deathbed as a patient. So the indignity of dying is compounded here by the indignity of dying unfashionably! I can imagine myself on the 'Worst Dressed List' of People Magazine's next front cover, with their photo of me taken inside this room where I'm looking very distressed in this ridiculous patient garment!"

-----"So many people have asked me what was the funniest joke that anyone ever told me. I have not publicized that memory of mine, because I didn't want to promote the career of a rival in the comedy industry. After all, if I promoted someone else as being funny, the next thing I know I get a pink slip from a TV show producer, saying that they have decided to replace me with this other comedian whom they now find to be funnier than I was. The comedy industry is very ruthless that way!"

----"My daughter told me I should think about my fans when I decide where to get buried. She says I should pick a cemetery that is centrally located in the U.S. so that my fans won't have to spend a lot of money traveling to honor me at my tombstone. Chicago is centrally located, but I don't see the point of being buried there. That's Oprah Winfrey's city, and I'm a nobody there. This is why I tend to favor a cemetery in LA or New York. At least I'm a VIP in those two cities."

-----"Some people have asked me whether I married the wrong man, since he was suicide-prone. I don't have the answer to that. Edgar never told me he was suicide-prone before we crossed the altar, so I had no advance warning on him. Maybe I should have insisted on getting a comprehensive and fully reliable psychological profile on Edgar before I even considered tying the knot with him."

----"Most people assume that comedians have no sense of the tragic side of life. But we do. The fact that I am not immortal, which I have discovered today for the first time, is the biggest tragedy from my own life. If I die today, I won't have the option of shopping at Macy's department store tomorrow! I can't imagine anything more tragic than that!"

----"I am NOT a femme fatale, no matter what everyone else says. I was NOT the one who drove my dear husband Edgar so crazy that he committed suicide!"

----"I wish I had remembered to include a provision in my will that requires everyone who attends my memorial service to refrain from wearing the color black for that. I want everyone to dress up in cheerful colors. That would be the best possible way to celebrate my life as a Fashion Adviser to the entire world."

----"I wanted to make citizens arrests here in New York in my role as a Fashion Police Officer. But my attorney told me I did not have a legal right to arrest anyone for being an eyesore in public."

----"I wish I had not delayed writing my memoirs. I was planning to write those at age 90, when I would have had more leisuretime available for a project like that. I wish I could somehow dictate that entire book from my deathbed today, but I don't have a tape recorder with me. If I had a tape recorder right now, those memoirs could earn me a lot of money and I could make the Times best-seller list in a posthumous sort of way."

----"Everyone expected me to make Suicide Prevention a favorite cause of mine for public-fund-raising events I'd be expected to preside over. Jerry Lewis had his 'Help the Handicapped' campaigns; and I was supposed to help raise funds each year for everyone who wanted to save a loved one of theirs from any risk of their ever contemplating suicide. I probably did disappoint a lot of people when I vetoed that proposed cause for myself. I found it too depressing. Let's face it, I'm a comedian, not a social worker, for God's sake! If someone wants to drop dead, far be it from me to stand in their way!"

----"Many people have told me that I lack compassion. That's not true. I feel lots of sympathy toward myself right now as I lie on this deathbed!"

----"At least I kept a good figure throughout my life. That's more than most New York ladies can say."

----"I wish I had videotaped a greeting that could have been shown to everyone who attends my memorial service. I would try to make it all as funny as I can possibly make it, since I want them to be laughing very hard throughout that entire ceremony."

----"I wish that the people who called me a 'bitch' had asked me whether I agree with them on that. I would have replied, 'You are damn right I'm a bitch, and why did it take you forever to figure that out about me?'"

-----"Here I was planning to do a lot of traveling in my 80s, since there are a lot of places I had wanted to visit but never found the time for. I love the idea of yodeling in the Swiss Alps, but for some reason I never did. I'm an entertainer by nature and I love to make a big scene with lots of noise from me everywhere I go. But I don't know how to yodel, anyway. I would have to take yodeling lessons before I visit the Swiss Alps for a vacation in my 80s. But now that it's come to this, I guess I will have to cancel that plane flight."

---"A lot of people assumed that because I'm filthy rich and Russian in ancestry, I always put caviar on my bagels. That's one of the leading popular misconceptions about me. I was perfectly happy with cream cheese on my bagels. That may sound very, very bland, but so help me God it's the complete truth!"

---"I made it very clear in my will that only 10 specified younger Anglo men I have cited by name, each of them half my age or younger, will ever at any time be permitted to perform posthumous cunnilingus on me at an annual civic event after my dead body is buried in a public cemetery either in LA or New York. I added that provision to my will because I realized that I am obviously an irresistible sex goddess, particularly in my early 80s when I seem to be everyone's favorite pin-up girl. I wanted to officially offer this one annual public cunnilingus ceremony featuring the opening of my casket and disrobing of my body for that one annual X-rated civic event as my way of thanking the younger men I adore the most who have been my leading admirers in recent years!"

----"I did ask in my will that the cemetery they bury me in be one that never gets earthquakes, if at all possible. It could be very stressful to me as a corpse if an earthquake jolt causes my casket to suddenly fall into a crevice and completely vanish from Geiger Counter detection, even with all of the gold jewelry I'll be wearing inside my casket! If that happens, it will be impossible for anyone to dig up my casket in order to hold an annual necrophiliacal cunnilingus public ceremony featuring me as the highlighted celebrity corpse!"

----"Maybe I did do too many boob jokes in my stand-up comedy performances. That may have hurt my public image in some ways. A lot of ladies would come up to me after a performance I did and they would ask me, 'Are you poking fun at me because I just underwent surgery for breast cancer and I lost both of my breasts?' Then I would see how very hurtful my boob jokes can be to some of the ladies in my audience. So I would reply to those ladies by flatly agreeing---and it's very funny that I just used the word 'flatly', since ladies who lose their breasts are obviously FLAT-chested---that losing their breasts is tragic. I would then quickly add, 'My job as a comedian is to find the funny side in tragedy. If I can get you to laugh about the two breasts you just lost from cancer surgery, maybe you will live longer for having laughed about your new life as a beautifully breast-less lady!' When I say that, that always seems to cheer them up!"

----"Some of my friends when they were drunk used to tell me that I should apply for a job with the State Department, since it would be very funny to find out how long I would last if I got a job as a diplomat in a U.S. embassy somewhere. My reply is that I would last two minutes or less, since I would immediately tell that foreign country exactly what I thought of it. And I would probably spit in the face of the leader of that foreign country, to make it very clear that I did not respect his leadership style."

----"Many people have asked me why I didn't agree to be a featured celebrity on display for a 'Facelift Queens Float' at the annual Macy's Parade here. I felt it would not be fair, since the other facelift queens would obviously not be half as pretty as I am. I did not want to humiliate those ladies in public by waving at my fans from the same parade float as themselves."

----"My God, this means that Betty White will still be alive after I am dead! Here I thought she was ancient! But now the 'New York Post' will call her up to ask her how it feels to outlive Joan Rivers! Betty White will offer them a nice juicy quote about how wonderful it feels to outlive one of her arch-rivals in the field of comedy!"

----"No one ever asked me how many pairs of shoes I own. If you had asked me, I would have told you I own exactly twice as many pairs of shoes as Mrs. Marcos of the Philippines did during her family's dictatorship there. If that makes me a dictator at heart, so be it!"

----"I honestly don't want them to re-name any of the streets of New York as 'Joan Rivers Boulevard'. I have given some thought to that, since I'm of course very popular and influential here. But I would not want to be posthumously responsible for any of the fatal traffic accidents that would occur there after Sixth Avenue---the street I assume they would select for the honor on my behalf---gets re-named as Joan Rivers Boulevard. Besides, everyone is used to calling it Sixth Avenue. And think of all the business stationery with 'Sixth Avenue' on it that would have to get discarded because of me! That would be a waste of paper that I cannot justify!"

----"A lot of people compared me to Madonna, since Madonna and I are both famous blonde divas. The primary difference between us is that Madonna is laughable in a ridiculous sort of way, while I myself am funny without ever being laughable or ridiculous. I take myself very seriously, and I'm not an air-head."

-----"I take pride in the fact that media accounts about me this century almost never referred to me as being a widow. I think everyone realized that the term 'widow' did not do justice to me. I was always MUCH MORE than a surviving spouse of Edgar!"

----"Some people assume I want to be buried beside Edgar at a cemetery. But since Edgar divorced me through the act of suicide, I don't feel like being his next-door neighbor after I'm dead. Maybe there should be a special Suicide Leapers Cemetery for people like Edgar. I admit I have lost a lot of respect for him because what he did was self-inflicted homicide. That makes Edgar a murderer, and I do NOT want to have a murderer for a next-door neighbor during the posthumous period of my own life. Having a murderer for a next-door neighbor would give me the creeps as I lie in my casket!"

----"I would prefer that all of the flags be flown at full mast on the day after I'm deceased. But if you must fly the flags at half-mast to honor me, then I won't do anything to stop you. How could I? It's not as if I'll have a cell phone at my disposal when I'm lying there motionless inside my casket! I can't call the city desk editor at the 'New York Post' to demand that all the flags in New York be flown at full mast that day!"

----"People sometimes comment to me that they believe I'm an accomplished author. 'Accomplished?' I will reply. 'All I ever accomplish is I make lots of dough from money-raking projects, some of them involving a deal with a book publisher. The books I put my name on are just a tool I use for making as much money as possible in order to buy more jewelry and more pairs of shoes to add to my collection. Maybe what motivates me is that I secretly want to purchase Marvin Gardens. It's probably the Joanie from my childhood who always wanted to win big in the board game of Monopoly, so I could purchase Marvin Gardens and feel a bit like that famous naked lady Eve in a Garden of Eden somewhere in Manhattan. But god help me, I have no idea where Marvin Gardens are. I've seen some botanical gardens at Central Park, but none of them were called Marvin from what I can recall. So this is why I will never make any money from writing a guide to Manhattan. I don't even know how to give a tourist directions to Marvin Gardens!"

----"Fortunately, I left behind $1 million in my estate to finance the semiannual digging up of my corpse for the sake of obtaining additional forensic medical evidence indicating that during my lifetime I was either medically harmed or murdered by members of the criminal element. All findings from that semiannual forensic exam on me using the finest possible forensic testing technology would then be filed each year with the district attorney's office and the FBI and the county attorney's office, and possibly even one or more municipal police departments or the New York State Police or the U.S. Attorney's Office, to help me achieve the posthumous criminal prosecutions I insist on pursuing in my capacity as the crime victim."

-----"It's odd how all I can think of is the hourglass featured at the start of that television soap opera 'Days of Our Lives', accompanied by the male narrator's dramatic statement: 'Like sands through an hourglass, these are the days of our lives!' To think that I'm down to my last grain or two of sand as I lie on my hospital bed here in New York!"

----"Fortunately for me, I never hid any dark secrets about myself from Melissa. So I don't have anything new to confess to her at this point--she's already heard it all thousands of times over!"

----"I want to keep all of my organs intact, so that the follow-up posthumous forensic medical examinations on me that my estate will be paying for in full can be as thorough as possible in helping me to punish each of my enemies! I define 'enemy' as anyone who attempted to reduce my medical lifespan or harm my medical health----or anyone who deliberately robbed me of my beauty-rest sleep on a frequent basis!"

----"I appreciate the invitations I've had to contribute through my estate toward the establishment of a Great American Comedians Museum that would profile me as one of the finest comedians of American history. It's nice to sense that I can achieve immortality in that way by turning into a first-rate museum exhibit in my honor that will be admired by all future generations."

-----"It's too bad I never joined a 21st Century Algonquin Table group that would have rivaled the one that Dorothy Parker, may she rest in peace, was a famous member of. If I had joined a 21st Century group of that type, we could have videotaped each of our group's wit-filled meetings for the sake of posterity!"

----"Many people have asked me when I first became aware of being very funny and entertaining. I hope my official biographer that my estate will be paying $1 million to for that book project about me will take note of this point: I am very sure it was on my fifth birthday when I first knew for sure that I had a genius for humor. After I blew out all the candles on my birthday cake, I looked around me with a mischievous grin on my face and asked if anyone wanted a blow job from me? I was thrilled to see so many of the party guests blushing beet red, and this proved to me I knew all about humor by age 5. Humor, to me, has always been making comments that cause the listener to turn beet red with embarrassment. That's always been my personal definition of success as a comedy entertainer!"

Friday, August 29, 2014

WILL THE FAMOUS LAST WORDS OF JOAN RIVERS BE WITTY ENOUGH AND FUNNY ENOUGH TO GET QUOTED FOREVER BY HER ADMIRERS?


The news this week that comedian Joan Rivers is in the hospital prompts the inevitable question of whether that famously quotable lady is giving thought to what her eventual "Famous Last Words" will be.

No doubt Joan Rivers worries at times that her eventual "Famous Last Words" from her own proverbial deathbed scene might not be witty enough or funny enough to rank her among the "immortal deathbed quipsters" of American history.

As an occasional freelance writer who has myself sent some humor material to Joan Rivers in recent years, I would like to offer some possible "Famous Last Words" lines that that world-famous comedian might want to use on her proverbial deathbed someday:

---"I was hoping to live long enough to witness a permanent and lasting peace in the Middle East in which all parties involved are completely happy. But I guess I won't have that opportunity now. With my luck, the first-ever successful peace treaty for the entire Middle East region will get signed seconds after I'm gone."

----"Edgar, I will NEVER forgive you for abandoning me and leaving me all alone like this!"

----"Moments like this make me wish I believed in an afterlife. But since I'm Jewish, that is not an option for me."

----"I wish I had re-read Norman Cousins's book on how to cure yourself of a terminal illness by laughing more often. Maybe I didn't laugh enough in the last few months, and that is why I'm having this crisis. Does anyone know a good joke that would help me to laugh so hard that I'd be fully cured of everything the doctor says I have right now?"

----"I guess it's too late for me to sue my doctor for malpractice. If I die today, my attorney tells me I can't file a posthumous lawsuit against my doctor in a court of law! I would have to rely on the administrator of my estate to file that medical-malpractice lawsuit for me, and I think I picked the wrong guy to represent my estate, since he never promised me he'd sue my doctor if I die before age 100! It's all turning into a complete posthumous disaster for me!"

----"My God, I never once had anyone interview me for an Oral History Videotape for the New York Public Library archives! Here I'm the funniest lady in American history, and the Oral History Collections section of that public library has nothing on Joan Rivers! That's a very cruel joke on me!"

-----"I wish I had been a Hollywood actress, at least I would have had immortality in the form of my footprint forever on display at that famous theater in Hollywood! Since I can't act, and I never could act so help me God, I don't get any footprint on display for future generations to remember me by! That is quite devastating to me!"

----"Maybe I should rewrite my will to exclude each of the persons who didn't send me flowers or get-well cards when I'm on my deathbed like this. The ones who didn't send me flowers or get-well cards can't possibly be true friends of mine, so I don't want them to get anything from my estate!"

----"It seems like I've spent all of my life doing stand-up comedy, so I'm used to being on my feet when I'm exploring the humorous side of life! And now that I'm lying on a hospital bed like this, I can't think of anything funny to say! Maybe the humor has switched to my doctor doing the stand-up comedy in front of me and I'm the one who's supposed to laugh at whatever he tells me is my prognosis! So it all ends with Gallows-Humor, and I'm expected to chuckle as I ponder who is going to get my social-security number after it gets re-assigned to someone else one minute after I'm dead!"

----"I can't bear the thought of a nationwide humor drought after I'm gone. Maybe I should ask my attorney to set up a 'Joan Rivers Comedian of the Year Award' that will financially reward future generations of comedians for excellence at exploring the funny side of life!"

-----"To me, the worst part about being on my deathbed inside a hospital is that I can't eat the dishes I enjoy the most. I know dozens of first-rate caterers here in New York, but my doctor won't let me call them up and ask for delivery service to my hospital room. It's against hospital policy, my doctor tells me!"

-----"What's so odd about it all is that for years I had practiced what I would say as my Famous Last Words, God forbid that I would ever end up in a disgusting deathbed scene like this inside a hospital. And now I've forgotten all of the best lines I came up with from that favorite pastime of mine in which I would imagine how to drop dead in the most cleverly quotable manner!"

----"At least I'm not a suicide blonde, as Marilyn Monroe was. I think all my friends are very proud of me for not being another of those infamous suicide blondes!"

-----"I wish I could figure out which food I ate that gave me the heart attack. Was it the slice of New York cheesecake I ate the other day that proved to be a fatal attraction for me, or was it something else?

----"At least I don't have to worry about when to go to the bathroom, now that I'm on my deathbed inside a hospital. The catheter takes care of everything for me. It saves me a lot of time, and God knows I can use every extra minute now that my lifespan is down to a matter of hours, according to my doctor."

-----"My biggest regret was that I never became a CEO for a company of my own. Donald Trump agreed that I had the talent for it, since I won first place on his show 'The Apprentice' several years ago. It would have been fun to own my own company and join a CEOs of America Club of some type and attend annual banquets honoring first-rate CEO's like myself!"

---"At least I had a pretty good record for endurance. Look at all the talented ladies and men I knew who died younger than myself. I attended hundreds of funerals in my life, and it was a very bleak experience for me. Maybe that is what helped me to make a firm decision to postpone my own funeral as long as I possibly could!"

----"The worst part about being on my deathbed is my certainty that all of my enemies and rivals are smirking and gleefully celebrating what they hope will be the day I turn into a 'Joan Drops Dead' front-page story in the New York Post. I wish I could leave behind a special provision in my will that finances year-round electronic surveillance of each of my 10 most hated enemies, along with automatic filing of criminal charges against each of them the minute they commit a felony crime of any type while being electronically surveillanced by the administrator of my estate!"

---"I don't agree with those who say that I pursued a life of humor because I was incapable of leading a serious and mature and responsible adult life. I feel that what I did was NOT childish or sophomoric or silly, as so many of my high school classmates have sarcastically commented to me at our class reunions!"

----"My worst fear is that my darling daughter Melissa will write a 'Mommy Dearest' expose on me a year after I croak! I have tried to avert that scenario by leaving behind a very generous fund in my estate that's earmarked for filing a lawsuit against any relative of mine who writes an expose on me after I'm dead that my attorney determines to be at all libelous or defamatory toward me!"

----"At least I didn't end up in a nursing home! Think of all the relatives and friends and classmates of mine who got stuck in a nursing home and turned into brain-dead human vegetables long before they passed away!"

-----"The timing of this deathbed scene disaster for me couldn't be worse. I was very excited this week about pursuing a new book project in which I would compile and edit an anthology of my all-time favorite jokes that I have either heard or read or come up with myself! I was thrilled about that 'Joan's Favorite Jokes' book project, since it could make the Times best-seller list and earn me millions!"

----"If my mother were alive today, she would be asking me if I have anything to confess to a rabbi before I'm officially pronounced dead by a coroner. Mother was very thorough that way. I think she felt it was always best to make a last-minute confession to a rabbi, just in case that might somehow affect any possible afterdeath outcome, if you get my drift. 'Better to be safe than sorry' was a favorite saying of my dear Mother. It's not that Mother believed in the afterlife. She just wanted everyone she loved to cover all the bases, just in case, before they pass away."

----"I had hoped to schedule my death to occur during the term of office of a REPUBLICAN President, since I myself am a staunch Republican. But it hasn't turned out that way. Maybe former President George W. Bush or his nice father will be willing to attend my memorial service and offer some Republican Party praise for me at that point!"

----"To think that the last bagel I ate was an 'everything' bagel, and I myself almost never eat bagels of that type! I always take pride in eating low-calorie bagels with one primary flavor to them that are as low in sodium as possible!"

----"I wonder who the next American Queen of Comedy will be, now that my own multi-decade reign is about to end very abruptly. I feel bad that I didn't emulate Donald Trump in my own way by offering an apprenticeship to aspiring young comedians. I guess I was too selfish to think about helping to train in a future star of American comedy!"

----"I am grateful I don't have to attend my memorial service. With some of the very blunt friends and relatives I have, that memorial service could turn into a lengthy critique of whatever they regard as my least flattering traits. And I would have no opportunity to reply in person to what they say about me at that ceremony!"


Sunday, April 13, 2014

My Advice to Obama: Do More to Promote 'Home Security Audits' Throughout U.S.A.


When United States President Barack Obama someday makes a long-distance phone call to me from The White House in which our nation's head of state politely asks me for advice on how he can more effectively lead this entire country, I would be sure to reply with the following:

----One of the most important civil rights that President Obama can help protect for all American citizens is the civil right to enjoy full freedom from crime inside their own private residence.

In this way, President Obama can help to promote and strengthen the civil right of each and every American citizen to enjoy a full and healthy and happy and year-round sense of hearth inside his or her own home.

As a consultant to President Obama in that phone-call from The White House scenario, I would also urge Mr. Obama to publicly promote the "Home Internal Security Audits Industry" at the earliest opportunity.

President Obama could do that in part by urging all Americans throughout this entire nation to please pursue an effective crime-prevention strategy by paying a fully bonded 'home security audits' professional service to inspect their own home or apartment unit as soon as possible.

As part of that on-site inspection, the Home Internal Security Auditor could identify each and every possible point of entry into that home or apartment unit or condo unit that could conceivably be entered illegally by a would-be burglar or would-be rapist or other criminal person.

That full inventory of any and all possible points of entry into that home or apartment unit or condo unit could then suggest strategies on how to make that private residence as safe and fully secured and burglary-proof and crime-free as possible.
This, in turn, could help to significantly reduce the crime rate throughout our entire nation, which would also boost Americans' well-being and medical health and creatively-vital productivity level in a very pervasive and felicitous manner.

Friday, March 7, 2014

MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE QUOTATIONS FROM WRITERS, POLITICAL LEADERS, AND OTHERS

---"An occasional compliment is necessary to keep up one's self-respect. ..When you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one." --- American author and humorist Mark Twain, in a notebook observation he reportedly wrote in 1894.

---"I can last two months on a good compliment." --- American author and humorist Mark Twain.

---"Self-criticism is the secret weapon of a democracy." --- Adlai Stevenson, the Democratic Party Presidential Candidate in 1952 and 1956 (this quotation recalled from my memory of having once read this great 1950s observation by Governor Adlai Stevenson of Illinois, and I will continue to search for the exact occasion and date on which then-Governor Stevenson offered this memorable observation in the 1950s).

---"Never despair!" (English translation of the Latin phrase "Nil Desperandum!") -- Horace, or Quintus Horatius Flaccus, (65 BC to 8 BC), a very influential poet and prominent citizen of the Roman Empire during the reign of Emperor Augustus.

MY 2014 ADVICE TO U.S. PRESIDENT OBAMA, IF HE EVER CONTACTS ME TO ASK FOR MY ADVICE ON HOW HE COULD IMPROVE HIS PERFORMANCE IN THE WHITE HOUSE


My advice to President Obama:
---You should do more to focus our nation's attention on the great strength that the United States could derive from developing a mutually-friendly and mutually-helpful and mutually-respectful relationship with our next door neighbor to the north, Canada.

---You could urge Congress to approve the annual proposed binational celebration of an "American-Canadian Friendship Day" each year that highlights and promotes the many ways in which American society and Canadian society benefit from and help to strengthen each other.

---You could repeatedly and publicly declare your goal of presiding over the nationwide establishment of a truly first-rate network of treatment programs for which any American citizen of any age could qualify for assistance on ridding themselves of their own addiction to marijuana or cocaine or heroin or methamphetamine or any other illicit drug; or their own addiction to drinking alcohol or tobacco products.

----You could urge Congress to approve financial incentives for private-sector employers throughout the United States to themselves each sponsor random drug testing on any and all of their employees, including their Chief Executive Officer, on a semiannual basis for each and every person employed by that company.

Results from those random drug tests could then serve as a basis for that company requiring that any employee who failed a random drug test must agree to participate in a company-sponsored drug-treatment program aimed at helping that employee to rid himself of his or her addiction to marijuana or any other illicit drug as soon as possible.

Any employee failing a random-drug screening test who then refuses to enroll in a drug-treatment program, could be fired from his job with that company on that basis. Also, any employee who participates in a drug-treatment program and later fails a random drug-test administered through his employer on at least two separate occasions, could himself be automatically fired from his job on that basis.

---You could ask the federal government to sponsor or co-sponsor a series of 30-second public-service announcements featuring a variety of famous and popular American professional athletes or varsity collegiate athletes or Hollywood actors or professional musicians, for that matter, who each declare to the America people why they themselves are very proud to be a TATTOO-LESS AMERICAN, and WHY THEY ARE VERY PLEASED WITH THE NATURAL LOOK OF THEIR OWN BODY THAT THEY WERE BORN WITH!

---You could call the world's attention to the Freedom of Speech-minded American society's great support for anyone's and everyone's legal right and human right to verbalize criticism of any and all religious denominations or religious congregations or religion-sponsored events or religion-sponsored institutions, including any and all religion-sponsored "educational" programs or "educational" institutions.

You could emphasize to the entire world that the American Constitution and the American legal system strongly disagree with the premise of many Moslems, for instance, that any criticism of their own Moslem religion, no matter how civilly worded the criticism, should be regarded by those Moslems as an invitation for violent retaliation by themselves.

You could emphasize your own view that the United States Constitution does NOT protect the so-called "legal right" of any religious group to attempt to censor or suppress the civilly-worded views on religion or politics that are held by individuals who are NOT themselves members of the former religious group.

---You could ask the Justice Department to help American society and the American legal system determine whether a religious group or religious-sponsored institution that responds to criticism of itself in a violent and illegal manner, or that engages in or advocates or serves as a spawning ground for violent activity in violation of the law, has thereby forfeited its own "Freedom of Speech" and "Freedom of Religion" rights that would otherwise have been extended to that religious group or religion-sponsored institution by the U.S. Constitution and the American legal system.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Noteworthy Statements Made to Me By Others In The Period Since May 1987

---"No one is brainwashing you. You are brainwashing yourself, John." -- Michael Stephens, editor of the "Lockhart Post-Register" general-circulation newspaper based in Lockhart, Texas, during a long-distance phone call I made in 1988 or 1987 from my parents' home in Westlake Hills, Texas, to the Lockhart newspaper office of Michael Stephens, a former coworker of mine at "The Daily Texan" student newspaper at UT-Austin.

---"I (Mrs. Phyllis Gardner McMillan, a kindly native of Iowa) already know how this is going to turn out, so I am not worried about it." --- Mrs. Phyllis Gardner McMillan, my biological mother, during a long-distance phone call I made in 1989 or 1990 to Mother's and Father's home in Westlake Hills, Texas, from my rental duplex-apartment unit in West Texas---an apartment unit in which I lived alone in Big Spring, Texas. I was a full-time regional-beat reporter for "The Big Spring Herald" daily newspaper during that same time period.

---"The primary intent behind the manipulative circumstances in your own life these days is for your own intellectual benefit" (a near-exact quote, with the word 'manipulative' being an exact ver batim quote of his comment to me). -- Kent Neal McMillan, my oldest biological brother, during a long-distance phone call I made in 1990 or 1991 to Kent's and his wife's home in Austin, Texas, from Sweetwater, Texas, where I was employed full-time during that time period as an education-beat reporter and Roscoe-football-beat sports reporter for "The Sweetwater Reporter" daily newspaper. It is possible that the exact wording of the statement that Kent volunteered to me in that early 1990s long-distance phone conversation was instead: "The primary intent behind the manipulative circumstances in your own life these days is for your EDUCATIONAL benefit." In my entire life, I myself have never requested any "educational" services violating my own privacy rights in any way.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Part III of Who Definitely Does Not Qualify for Prospective Membership in my still-one-member (myself, only) and Non-Christian Progressive Prohibitionist Religion

----Anyone who believes that the "hymnal book" for a religious service should contain any of the following words in that hymnal book: "God" "Christ," "Almighty," "the Lord," "Creator of the Universe," "Jesus," etc.

----Anyone who believes that ANY piano playing or electric guitar music or organ music should ever be featured during any event or service sponsored by their own religion.

---Anyone who opposes church-sponsored monitoring of and factual reporting on the noise-pollution level, or decibel level, at any church-sponsored event.

----Anyone who believes that a religious group SHOULD NOT strive to diligently and conscientiously protect the hearing capacity and medical health of any and all members and employees of that religious group.

----Anyone who supports "thought control" projects of any type.

----Anyone who supports the view that religion should sponsor speculations or comments about an expected or cited "afterlife" for anyone in a context in which no modern scientific evidence has been provided as of that time that proves conclusively that any type of "afterlife" for any human being upon the death of that human being does, in fact, occur.

----Anyone who believes that a religious congregation should ever serve to any of its members foods, such as deep-fried donuts or conventional ice cream or candy, that are high in saturated fats or very high in sugar content and very lacking in vitamins and minerals.

---Anyone who believes that a religious congregation should ever serve or offer wine or any other alcoholic beverage of any type to any member or employee of that congregation at any time.

---Anyone who is uncomfortable with a religion that would seek to limit the use of drinking alcohol to its usage as a flavorful ingredient in cooking, with one example of that being "cooking sherry."

--Anyone who is uncomfortable with a religion that sponsors "Pederasty Prevention Workshops" and "Pederasty Prevention Discussion Groups" and "Pederasty Prevention Symposia" that are aimed at helping to promote and help achieve a significant reduction in the per-capita incidence of sex crimes violating the legal rights and human rights of minors (minors being definable in Texas as any and all persons age 16 or younger, according to the state penal code of Texas).

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